DANGEROUS TO KNOW by Mike and Ramona Byron

LESS HANKY, MORE PANKY

As the old song goes, “It never rains in California – baby, it pours.”  Rep. Cunningham should know.  He’s Duke-Stirred up his very own hurricane around these parts.

Now we learn that Cunningham sort-of sold his former-and-current boat, the Kelly C., at a $200,000 profit to a New York felon who just happened to be in dire need of Congressional intercession for forgiveness of his sin and conviction of ripping off public schools in a computer contract scam.  After all, what are friends for?  Especially those whose shared values bind them so tightly together.

But wait – Cunningham didn’t exactly sell the boat to the felon.  Instead, he accepted a mortgage for his mansion in Rancho Santa Fe from relatives of the felon, who no doubt are honorable people themselves, regardless of their unfortunate blood relationship to a convicted criminal.  After all, none of us get to pick our relatives, right?  The apple falls from the tree wherever gravity dictates, and often quite closely. 

Just don’t shake that particular tree too hard.  No telling what else might fall out.

For the sale of the Kelly C., Cunningham gave a receipt to his felon friend for a sale price of ONE DOLLAR.  Cunningham afterward obligingly kept his name on the title of the Kelly C. as a further favor to his good buddy, the felon who rips off public schools for fun and profit.

One may reasonably inquire why a New York felon had to come all the way to California to find a willing Congressional intercessor to mediate the consequences of his crime.  We can only assume that Congressional Representatives from New York are either far more honest, or far more expensive, than our Duke.

Now owing to recent public scandal, the Duke had vacated his defense-contractor-supplied, rent-free boat in Washington, the eponymous Duke Stir.  But alas, no more defense contractors or other criminals were willing to supply Cunningham with appropriately-lush digs for free, what with the bad publicity and the ongoing Federal investigations and all. 

So Cunningham understandably hankered to have his beloved Kelly C. back.  Lo-and-behold, the Kelly C. was miraculously spirited back to Cunningham’s bosom, from which it arguably had never departed. 

Still, the New York felon swears on a pile of pageless Bibles that “no hanky-panky” was involved in this sale/nonsale, transfer/nontransfer, retransfer/return of the Kelly C. between himself and the Duke.  And since he has seen the error of his school-scamming ways, this felon is surely morally upright now and wouldn’t lie to you about this.

So did you follow all of that?  You have a duty to know what your Representatives in Congress are doing up to, you know.

Now the Duke, whimpering with psychological pain, pleads for our sympathy for his trials and travails.  He reminds us of how grateful we should be that he previously served proudly in the military – as if many of us had not also honorably served, and without having subsequently shamed our own patriotic service as Cunningham does with his war-mongering and war-profiteering.

The beleaguered Cunningham recently garnered some much-appreciated sympathy from the Rotary Club, whose parsimonious members apparently can only afford the lowest standards when it comes to morality and patriotism.  Rotarians gave standing ovations for the Duke’s pronouncements about how his war-mongering and war-profiteering are going to make us all safer.  He didn’t bother to mention to them that the only cottage industry remaining to the desperate Iraqi people is constructing Improvised Explosive Devices to deploy against our troops. 

Predictably, the local fish-wraps gushed about the Rotarians’ “warm welcome” to the Duke.  Still, Cunningham’s position looks more like a “hot seat,” if you ask me.

But dry your tears for Duke’s troubles, fold up your hanky, and grab a barf bag instead.  Because almost certainly, the panky part of Cunningham’s shameful career isn’t over yet.